Jane's Skedyule! Aug. 25-26, Bristol Renaissance Faire

9:45am: At the Opening of the Gates, Jane the Phoole greets the waiting throngs with abuse and interrogations! Oliver Newcastle is the Lord Mayor while Egads Travels East! Magnolia May is Armed and Dangeresque -- and so is the Royal Brass!

10:00am: Jane and Friends Taunt You With Elephant Jokes -- but the Joke's On You! The Elephants Are Gone for the Season! It is Well Known that elephants fly South for the autumn, drafting off each other in gigantic grey "V" formations as they hurtle through the skies!

10:15am: To market, to market! Newmarket! Trade you for Traders' Wharf!

10:30am: Take it to the Bridge! Guildhall Row, Row, Row your Boat! Farnham Way in a Manger!

10:45am: Get Jane to the Joust On Time!11:00am: This isn't the International Jester Tournament -- it's the International Jouster Tournament at Wyckham Field! France vs. Spain vs. Wales/Flanders/Avalon vs. England! Go, Sir Thomas Duke of Kent! Jane the Phoole gives out the Prizes -- and the Punchlines!

11:30am: Only the Finest in Meadows Will Do! Shakespeare's Meadow to Farnham Way!

11:45am: Newmarket? I just met it! You mark it!

12:00pm: CHECK THE GATE!

12:15pm: Farnham All the Way!

12:50pm: Staging Action at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! Get Your Bad Jokes On!

1:00pm: THE ROYAL SPECTACLE OF FOOLES at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Jane Chooses an Assortment of Comic Puddings!

1:30pm: BLESSED REST. Secret Eating!

2:00pm: Let's take the Farnham Way-Back Machine!

2:15pm: Due to Jane the Phoole having an Extremely Short Attention Span, Newmarket REALLY IS New to Jane every time she visits it!

2:30pm: Guildhall Row! Hal-An-Tow! Jolly Rum-a-Low! And so's your Dad!

2:45pm: High Street -- Because Medium Street Just Won't Do!

3:00pm: Despite its name, St. John's Crossing is in fact available for use by everyone.

3:15pm: Shakespeare's "Meadow" is perhaps his finest pastoral comedy, set in a shady forest inhabited by Faeries and Nut-Sellers.

3:30pm: FOOLES' PARADE! Join the Fooles' Army and Lay Siege to the City From Within! First Ten New Fooles Get FREE HATS!

3:45pm: Shakespeare's Meadow, like Hy Brazil and Brigadoon, appears out of the mists. Rather more conveniently than the others, however, Shakespeare's Meadow does so every year from July to September. The rest of the year, there is just a gaping and rocky chasm where this shady glen now shelters its guests from cynicism and sunstroke.

4:15pm: Jane Retrieves Her Spare Enormous False Backside from the Evil Lord High Sherriff and his Minions, who kindly offered to perform Routine Maintenance on the well-trammeled old thing. It seems to be working Just Fine Now!

4:30pm: THE FOOLE'S REVENGE at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Jane the Phoole is ENGULFED IN NOXIOUS FUMES! Oddly, They Have No Effect On Her Whatsoever, apart from Rendering Her INVINCIBLE! (Or, on humid days, INVISIBLE!)

5:00pm: Shoplatch Lane is in my ears, and in my eyes!

5:15pm: The Tide is High Street -- So I'm Holding On!

5:30pm: At Kids' Kingdom, Jane attaches herself, tick-like, to the Back-End of Her Majesty's Court for a merry drag through town!

5:45pm: Join Jane at the Rear of the Royal Procession and get the Latest on the Greatest!

6:00pm: Jane the Phoole at the Queen's Feet in the Nobles' Glade! Now you understand the need for the Enormous False Backside -- Fashion AND Function!

6:30pm: Baron Strange asks the Queen if She will Rise Up From Her Great Chair, and the image of the Queen actually doing this makes Jane hurt herself laughing! JUST IMAGINE IT, IF YOU CAN! VOOOOOP!

6:45pm: A Rousing Farewell at the City Gates, with Song and Illustrative Hand Gestures!

Jane's Skedyoole, Bristol Faire, August 18-19

9:45am: Opening of the Gates - a Brief Comic Prologue to the Topsy-Turvy Events of the Day! It's the Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle's Last Weekend at Bristol This Season! Give him laughs to buoy him on his way! Also the Sherriff is barely visible to the human eye.
10:00am: Jane the Phoole and Friends Tell the Best Jokes in the Whole World! Or so they think!
10:15am: Box Office Staff turn on the Piped-In Music, Signalling the End of Joke-Telling Times! Jane greets Salty Dogs and Others in Newmarket and Traders' Wharf!
10:30am: Jane Tells You Fishy Facts on the Bridge! Then let's wake up Guildhall Row!
10:45am: Trundle through Farnham Way and Shakespeare's Meadow to Wyckham Field!
11:00am: The International Joust of Skill and Fighting Paralyzed Robots (for real though!) at Wyckham Field! Did I mention it's Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle's final weekend in town? Get him that maypole dance at last!
11:30am: Attempt to climb the hill from the Joust up to Shakespeare's Meadow and Farnham Way! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!
11:45am: Farnham-all-the-Way! Newmarket!
12:00pm: Jane Starts Her Day Over at the Gate!
12:15pm: Farnham Way We Roll Along! Get Jane to the Chase On Time!
12:50pm: A Touching Ten-Minute Retrospectacular of the Lives, Loves and Luncheons of Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle, featuring -- yes! Jane the Phoole!
1:00pm: ROYAL SPECTACLE OF FOOLES! NOT TO BE MISSED! At the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! YOU WILL BE COVERED IN PIE AND GOOD FEELINGS!
1:30pm: Jane has been playing very hard since 8:00 this morning, and she has not had a day off since January. Such is the life of an Extremely Glamorous World-Famous Phoole. Notwithstanding, Jane would like just HALF AN HOUR to try to remember "quiet." You will find her and interrupt her anyway, so why does she even bother? But she hopes you will indulge her. You are very exciting, and if you let her have just half an hour, she promises to FREAK YOU OUT WITH FUN the rest of the day!
2:00pm: If it's your way, it's Farnham Way!
2:15pm: Saturday - You mark it! Newmarket! Sunday - You Farnham! You brought 'im! Farnham Way!
2:30pm: Saturday - Ga-ga for Guildhall Row! Sunday - Jane Judges the Friends of Faire Fooles & Friends Costume Contest at Lord Mayor's Forum Stage!
2:45pm: Saturday - Hooray for High Street! Sunday - Costume Contest (see 2:30pm!)
3:00pm: Saturday - It's a Royal Flush in St. John's Crossing! Sunday - Costume Contest (see 2:30pm!)
3:15pm: Saturday - Shake it in Shakespeare's Meadow, North of the Enchanted Faerie Glen! Sunday - Costume Contest (see 2:30pm!)
3:30pm: YOU ARE FAMOUS AT LAST! Join the Fooles' Parade on the Hill By the Joust! First Ten New Fooles Get FREE HATS! SO FASHIONABLE! Wear yours to your next Teamsters' meeting!
3:45pm: Despite rumors and spiteful theories, Shakespeare's Meadow was actually created by William Shakespeare! The Earl of Oxenforde be danged!
4:15pm: Jane is Accosted by the Evil Lord High Sherriff's Minions, who compliment her on her Enormous False Backside and ask to View Her Farthingale! Surprised by their Sudden Change in Demeanor, Jane indulges their Whim! Surely Nothing Bad Can Come of It?
4:30pm: THE FOOLE'S REVENGE at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Where is the Non-Smoking Section? ANYWHERE JANE THE PHOOLE ISN'T!
5:00pm: Shopping for Latches in Shoplatch Lane -- the Official Lane of Jane the Phoole!
5:15pm: Take the Moral High Ground in High Street!
5:30pm: Like a Motley Lamprey, Jane Attaches to the Queen's Court at Kids' Kingdom!
6:00pm: View Jane the Phoole in her Natural Habitat at the Queen's Foot in the Nobles' Glade! Doesn't the dress make more sense now?
6:30pm: The Most Leisurely Parade Ever from the Nobles' Glade to the Front Gate! OR Commandeering the Trained Bands for Necessary Phoole-ish Manoeuvers!
6:59pm: Jane's With the Band Over the Front Gate! Last week she tipped the Royal Brass ten shillings to play the "Silly Walks Song" from The Fooles' Revenge again! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? Be There! And Then Be...Elsewhere! Come Play with Jane Again!

Jane's Skedyule! Aug. 11-12, Bristol Renaissance Faire!

9:45am: The Opening of the Gates, and the Introduction of the Principal Characters and Their Continuing Conundra. Or is that “conundrums?” The Evil Lord High Sherriff is Trumped by the Law of Topsy-Turvy!

10:00am: Front Gate Bad Joke Times!

10:30am: Proceed through the shops in Newmarket and across Traders Wharf, tell and hear jokes about fish and pirates on the Bridge, Much Ado About Muffins at the Bakery, and wake up High Street and Shoplatch Lane! Then it’s off to the Joust at Wyckham Field!

11:00am: Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle gets called LORD ARBITER at the Joust of Skill! Jane the Phoole gives out the prizes! See the war between Tiny Immobile Robot Knights and the Four Champions!

11:30am: Noodle through Farnham Way and shop in Newmarket

12:00pm: Bellow greetings in Guildhall Row and High Street!

12:15pm: Greet Newly-Arrived Sailors in Traders Wharf and Newmarket!

12:30pm: High-Tail It through Farnham Way to the Cheshire Chase Action Stage!

12:50am: Jane the Phoole and Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle Make You a STAR at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! Have a Song, a Joke or Some Other Material Prepared!

1:00pm: THE ROYAL SPECTACLE OF FOOLES at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage -- NOT TO BE MISSED! Food Fights, Common Brawling, and Songs With Outrageous Numbers of Syllables Per Line! IT’S TOO DANGEROUS!

1:30pm: SECRET EATING!

2:00pm: I did it my way -- Farnham Way!

2:15pm: New Marketing in Newmarket! Wharf Trading in Traders’ Wharf!

2:30pm: Greetings in Guildhall Row!

2:45pm: High Times in High Street! Latching On in Shoplatch Lane!

3:00pm: Hoping everything comes out all right in St. John's Crossing!

3:15pm: Recruiting and Training New Fooles for the Fooles Parade on the Hill coming up from the Joust!

3:30pm: FOOLES’ PARADE, starring YOU! And if you're one of the 1st 10 New Fooles, You Get A Free Hat! And you can keep it! Forever! And wear it to church!

3:45pm: Saturday: Jane’s Guide to Fae Spotting in Shakespeare’s Meadow! Sunday: TEA WITH THE QUEEN AT COTSWOLD COMMONS! Will Jane behave? And how?

4:00pm: Saturday: Secret Primp Time! Sunday: TEA WITH THE QUEEN AT COTSWOLD COMMONS CONTINUES!

4:30pm: THE FOOLE'S REVENGE at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Hear Jane’s Musical Leitmotif not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES! Jane will be commandeered by the Evil Lord High Sherriff for Explosive Acts! Nobody light a match – and for God’s sake, Stand Upwind!

5:00pm: Jane Loves Shoplatch Lane!

5:15pm: The time is high for High Street!

5:30pm: A touching retrospective in Guildhall Row, with end credits in Farnham Way!

5:45pm: Help Jane get to the Nobles’ Glade on time! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!

6:00pm: Jane and Other Fooles heap abuse on Her Majesty’s Master-of-the-Revels-on-Progress, Sir Ferdinando Stanley, Baron Strange! Watch steam shoot out of his ears!

6:30pm: Jane hopes Local Fools, including Blarney Rubble, will join her in clearing a path for Sir Robert Carey and the Bristol Trained Bands to get to the gate! It is a Very Satisfying Thing To Do!

6:59pm: Jane the Phoole says to the Royal Brass, “Let us hytte yt and qwytte yt!”, and a Rousing Song is Sung, and Hand Gestures Accompany, and our Guests are Bid Farewell!

Jane the Phoole's Skedyoole! August 4-5, Bristol Renaissance Faire

9:45am: The Opening of the Gates, and the Introduction of the Principal Characters and Their Fascinating Perennial Conflicts! Many Bad Jokes are Bandied by All but Jane the Phoole, who tries out a straight line or two.
10:00am: Front Gate Silliness, until the revelers present are drowned out by the piped-in tunes!
10:30am: Proceed through the shops in Newmarket and across Traders Wharf, view the kittenfish from the Bridge, nab a nosh at the Bakery, and visit High Street and Shoplatch Lane en route to the Joust at Wyckham Field
11:00am: Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle presides over the Joust of Skill! Sir Tristan is either from Wales or Flanders -- BUT HIS ORIGIN FLUCTUATES! Jane the Phoole gives out the prizes!
11:30am: Visit Farnham Way and then travel out to Newmarket
12:00am: Visit Guildhall Row, High Street, Traders Wharf and Newmarket again, then back through Farnham Way and the Buttery
12:50am: Jane the Phoole and Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle Extract Laughs By Force at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage!
1:00pm: THE ROYAL SPECTACLE OF FOOLES at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage -- NOT TO BE MISSED! All-singing, all-dancing, and all-brawling, with Exciting Props and Flying Food!
1:30pm: Saturday, Foolish Madness at the Nobles' Glade until 3:00pm! Sunday, Feasting with Fooles on the North Lawn of the Dirty Duck Inn!
2:00pm: Saturday, Foolish Madness at the Nobles' Glade (still!) until 3:00pm! Sunday, Being Seen in Farnham Way, Newmarket, Traders Wharf, Guildhall, High Street, Shoplatch Lane, St. John's Crossing, and finally the Buttery by 3:15pm!
3:15pm: Collecting New Fooles for the Fooles Parade on the Hill coming up from the Joust!
3:30pm: FOOLES PARADE, featuring YOU! And if you're one of the 1st 10 New Fooles, You Get A Free Hat, Which You May Wear the Rest of Your Life!
3:45pm: Viewing Fantastickals in Shakespeare's Meadow -- and Dispensing Valuable Information on the Proper Behavior Where Faeries Are Concerned!
4:00pm: Secret Hiding Time, wherein Lip-Paint is Reapplied, Hat Angle is Adjusted, and an Anecdote or Two are Transmitted!
4:30pm: THE FOOLE'S REVENGE at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Wherein Jane the Phoole Falls Prey to Explosive Mischief, Is Rescued by a Damsel's Derring-Do, and Returns to See the Proper King of Fooles Ascend! THRILLING THEME MUSIC!
5:00pm: One Last Trundle through Shoplatch Lane to High Street and Guildhall Row!
5:30pm: Foraging for Foodstuffs in Farnham Way, and Procurement of a Pizza Pie Piece! Trivia Question Optional! Then, a brisk White Rabbitting through Shakespeare's Meadow to get to the Nobles' Glade on time!
6:00pm: A Pile of Fooles are Strewn at the Queen's Feet in the Nobles' Glade, and they Get Up to No Good! Monarcho Vexes Courtiers and Jane Helps! They get Shushed, but it is to No Avail!
6:30pm: Baron Strange asks the Queen, "Will you rise up from your Great Chair?" and Jane the Phoole EXPLODES WITH LAUGHTER! She knows it's coming, but it's Still Funny! Gets Her Every Time! Then, on Saturday, Jane mysteriously vanishes at 6:35pm Without A Trace. But on Sunday, follow her up the hill to the Gates of the Town, and then...6:59pm: Jane the Phoole cues the Royal Brass, and a Rousing Song is Bellowed, and our Guests are Bid Farewell!

Jane's Birthday Weekend Skedyoole: July 28-29, Bristol Renaissance Faire!

9:45am: Brief scene at Front Gate in which Mayor Egads Newcastle, Magnolia May, and I Exchange Witticisms and Deride the Sherriff, As Is Only Right
10:00am: Witty Banter with Guests at the Gate
10:30am: Whisking through Newmarket and Traders' Wharf, across the Bridge over Lake Elizabeth to view the schools of Kittenfish, then to the Bakery for Muffins and then to the Joust!
11:00am: Dallying on the Dais at Wyckham Field and Giving Out the Prizes for the Joust, with Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle!
11:30am: Saturday, visiting Farnham Way and Newmarket; Sunday, Performing the Wedding of Crystal and Brian at Cotswold Commons!
12:00pm: Visiting Guildhall Row, High Street, Traders Wharf, Newmarket, Farnham Way and the Buttery, then making my way to the Cheshire Chase Action Stage
12:50pm: Goofing with the crowd at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage with Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle!
1:00pm: The Royal Spectacle of Fools at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage -- NOT TO BE MISSED! All-singing, all-dancing, featuring Novel Utterances by the Denizens of the Street! Pies Will Fly!
1:30pm: Secret Eating!
2:00pm: A Game of Towers with his Right Royal Majesty Monarcho, King of the Entire World, under the Apple Tree by the Town Square Public House -- or, if Monarcho doesn't show, Jane Holds Court at the same location
3:00pm: The Mad Dash to the Nobles' Glade to Obtain Millinery for the Fooles' Parade!
3:30pm: FOOLES' PARADE! Departs just up the hill from the Wyckham Arms and the tiltyard, and where does it go? Nobody knows! YOU COULD LEAD IT! First ten guests joining in get Free Hats! Bells Included!
4:00pm: Brief Appearance at the Dirty Duck Inn, then off to the Punishment Place to prepare for...
4:30pm: The Foole's Revenge at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage -- NOT TO BE MISSED! Catch Jane EN FUEGO! Jane makes a habit of "bombing" onstage! And other jokes like that.
5:00pm: Visiting Shoplatch Lane and High Street, and Buying Out the Bakery!
5:30pm: Visiting Guildhall Row, Farnham Way, the Buttery, and perhaps chancing a glance at the happenstance in Shakespeare's Meadow
6:00pm: Finding my seat at the Queen's Feet in the Nobles' Glade, blurting out the first thing that pops into my head!
6:30pm: Accompanying Her Grace to the Gates of the City, and Cueing the Royal Brass (aka Jane's Big Big Big Band) at EXACTLY 6:59 for the Final Song! Don't be late!