Friday, August 24, 2007

Jane's Skedyule! Aug. 25-26, Bristol Renaissance Faire

9:45am: At the Opening of the Gates, Jane the Phoole greets the waiting throngs with abuse and interrogations! Oliver Newcastle is the Lord Mayor while Egads Travels East! Magnolia May is Armed and Dangeresque -- and so is the Royal Brass!

10:00am: Jane and Friends Taunt You With Elephant Jokes -- but the Joke's On You! The Elephants Are Gone for the Season! It is Well Known that elephants fly South for the autumn, drafting off each other in gigantic grey "V" formations as they hurtle through the skies!

10:15am: To market, to market! Newmarket! Trade you for Traders' Wharf!

10:30am: Take it to the Bridge! Guildhall Row, Row, Row your Boat! Farnham Way in a Manger!

10:45am: Get Jane to the Joust On Time!11:00am: This isn't the International Jester Tournament -- it's the International Jouster Tournament at Wyckham Field! France vs. Spain vs. Wales/Flanders/Avalon vs. England! Go, Sir Thomas Duke of Kent! Jane the Phoole gives out the Prizes -- and the Punchlines!

11:30am: Only the Finest in Meadows Will Do! Shakespeare's Meadow to Farnham Way!

11:45am: Newmarket? I just met it! You mark it!

12:00pm: CHECK THE GATE!

12:15pm: Farnham All the Way!

12:50pm: Staging Action at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! Get Your Bad Jokes On!

1:00pm: THE ROYAL SPECTACLE OF FOOLES at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Jane Chooses an Assortment of Comic Puddings!

1:30pm: BLESSED REST. Secret Eating!

2:00pm: Let's take the Farnham Way-Back Machine!

2:15pm: Due to Jane the Phoole having an Extremely Short Attention Span, Newmarket REALLY IS New to Jane every time she visits it!

2:30pm: Guildhall Row! Hal-An-Tow! Jolly Rum-a-Low! And so's your Dad!

2:45pm: High Street -- Because Medium Street Just Won't Do!

3:00pm: Despite its name, St. John's Crossing is in fact available for use by everyone.

3:15pm: Shakespeare's "Meadow" is perhaps his finest pastoral comedy, set in a shady forest inhabited by Faeries and Nut-Sellers.

3:30pm: FOOLES' PARADE! Join the Fooles' Army and Lay Siege to the City From Within! First Ten New Fooles Get FREE HATS!

3:45pm: Shakespeare's Meadow, like Hy Brazil and Brigadoon, appears out of the mists. Rather more conveniently than the others, however, Shakespeare's Meadow does so every year from July to September. The rest of the year, there is just a gaping and rocky chasm where this shady glen now shelters its guests from cynicism and sunstroke.

4:15pm: Jane Retrieves Her Spare Enormous False Backside from the Evil Lord High Sherriff and his Minions, who kindly offered to perform Routine Maintenance on the well-trammeled old thing. It seems to be working Just Fine Now!

4:30pm: THE FOOLE'S REVENGE at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Jane the Phoole is ENGULFED IN NOXIOUS FUMES! Oddly, They Have No Effect On Her Whatsoever, apart from Rendering Her INVINCIBLE! (Or, on humid days, INVISIBLE!)

5:00pm: Shoplatch Lane is in my ears, and in my eyes!

5:15pm: The Tide is High Street -- So I'm Holding On!

5:30pm: At Kids' Kingdom, Jane attaches herself, tick-like, to the Back-End of Her Majesty's Court for a merry drag through town!

5:45pm: Join Jane at the Rear of the Royal Procession and get the Latest on the Greatest!

6:00pm: Jane the Phoole at the Queen's Feet in the Nobles' Glade! Now you understand the need for the Enormous False Backside -- Fashion AND Function!

6:30pm: Baron Strange asks the Queen if She will Rise Up From Her Great Chair, and the image of the Queen actually doing this makes Jane hurt herself laughing! JUST IMAGINE IT, IF YOU CAN! VOOOOOP!

6:45pm: A Rousing Farewell at the City Gates, with Song and Illustrative Hand Gestures!

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