9:45am: The Opening of the Gates, and the Introduction of the Principal Characters and Their Fascinating Perennial Conflicts! Many Bad Jokes are Bandied by All but Jane the Phoole, who tries out a straight line or two.
10:00am: Front Gate Silliness, until the revelers present are drowned out by the piped-in tunes!
10:30am: Proceed through the shops in Newmarket and across Traders Wharf, view the kittenfish from the Bridge, nab a nosh at the Bakery, and visit High Street and Shoplatch Lane en route to the Joust at Wyckham Field
11:00am: Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle presides over the Joust of Skill! Sir Tristan is either from Wales or Flanders -- BUT HIS ORIGIN FLUCTUATES! Jane the Phoole gives out the prizes!
11:30am: Visit Farnham Way and then travel out to Newmarket
12:00am: Visit Guildhall Row, High Street, Traders Wharf and Newmarket again, then back through Farnham Way and the Buttery
12:50am: Jane the Phoole and Lord Mayor Egads Newcastle Extract Laughs By Force at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage!
1:00pm: THE ROYAL SPECTACLE OF FOOLES at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage -- NOT TO BE MISSED! All-singing, all-dancing, and all-brawling, with Exciting Props and Flying Food!
1:30pm: Saturday, Foolish Madness at the Nobles' Glade until 3:00pm! Sunday, Feasting with Fooles on the North Lawn of the Dirty Duck Inn!
2:00pm: Saturday, Foolish Madness at the Nobles' Glade (still!) until 3:00pm! Sunday, Being Seen in Farnham Way, Newmarket, Traders Wharf, Guildhall, High Street, Shoplatch Lane, St. John's Crossing, and finally the Buttery by 3:15pm!
3:15pm: Collecting New Fooles for the Fooles Parade on the Hill coming up from the Joust!
3:30pm: FOOLES PARADE, featuring YOU! And if you're one of the 1st 10 New Fooles, You Get A Free Hat, Which You May Wear the Rest of Your Life!
3:45pm: Viewing Fantastickals in Shakespeare's Meadow -- and Dispensing Valuable Information on the Proper Behavior Where Faeries Are Concerned!
4:00pm: Secret Hiding Time, wherein Lip-Paint is Reapplied, Hat Angle is Adjusted, and an Anecdote or Two are Transmitted!
4:30pm: THE FOOLE'S REVENGE at the Cheshire Chase Action Stage! NOT TO BE MISSED! Wherein Jane the Phoole Falls Prey to Explosive Mischief, Is Rescued by a Damsel's Derring-Do, and Returns to See the Proper King of Fooles Ascend! THRILLING THEME MUSIC!
5:00pm: One Last Trundle through Shoplatch Lane to High Street and Guildhall Row!
5:30pm: Foraging for Foodstuffs in Farnham Way, and Procurement of a Pizza Pie Piece! Trivia Question Optional! Then, a brisk White Rabbitting through Shakespeare's Meadow to get to the Nobles' Glade on time!
6:00pm: A Pile of Fooles are Strewn at the Queen's Feet in the Nobles' Glade, and they Get Up to No Good! Monarcho Vexes Courtiers and Jane Helps! They get Shushed, but it is to No Avail!
6:30pm: Baron Strange asks the Queen, "Will you rise up from your Great Chair?" and Jane the Phoole EXPLODES WITH LAUGHTER! She knows it's coming, but it's Still Funny! Gets Her Every Time! Then, on Saturday, Jane mysteriously vanishes at 6:35pm Without A Trace. But on Sunday, follow her up the hill to the Gates of the Town, and then...6:59pm: Jane the Phoole cues the Royal Brass, and a Rousing Song is Bellowed, and our Guests are Bid Farewell!